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Futile and Stupid Plans for Managing Biden’s “Newcomers” (a Satire)

William L. Kovacs

April 2024

Futile and Stupid Plans for Managing Biden’s “Newcomers” (a Satire)

No one knows how many illegal immigrants are in this country, or as President Biden dubs them, “the newcomers.” Before sending out the “Welcome Wagons,” the federal government needs to know how many there are and where they will be before their numbers show up in census data and congressional redistricting. Simply, Biden needs a Welcome Wagon plan.

Several reputable estimates put the number between 10.5 and 11 million around 2021. Add another 5-6 million under Biden’s rule, so the total reaches 17 million. The problem is that no one knows their names, backgrounds, or even where they live. Our skilled “intelligence agencies” do not even know who the terrorists are. Even if our federal government could find them, the U.S. could not deport them since many of the countries they come from will not accept them back. Less than 10% speak English. Randomly paying for their room, board, education, travel, cell phones, and clothing costs Americans hundreds of billions of dollars.

The U.S. has almost 600,000 Americans homeless. The U.S. is short 7.3 million low-income rental units. And 11.5% of the U.S., about 37.9 million people live below the poverty line. To add another 17 million people to our poverty rolls without a plan is insanity. Managing additional tens of millions of newcomers will require thinking way, way outside the sanity box. It is time for Biden to develop a few futile and stupid plans to manage them until they get their asylum hearing.

Biden has more than a few good options.

Option 1 is to buy another country.

The United States is experienced in buying massive amounts of land from other countries. After all, it bought Alaska from the Russians. It purchased Louisiana and the territory up the Mississippi River from France. The Louisiana Purchase comprises six states and a large portion of eight states. The U.S. also bought parts of the Virgin Islands in 1915 from Denmark. President Trump proposed buying Greenland. Since no countries or large areas of land are currently up for sale, the federal government will need to do what it has done historically: take it from another country or make an offer that cannot be refused.

The U.S. acquired our entire Southwest by conquest, which was about fifty-five percent of Mexico. Now, the U.S. is irritated that Mexico will not care for the millions of newcomers awaiting an immigration trial in the U.S. The U.S. should buy Baja California (“Baja”) from Mexico to remedy this situation. It’s a peninsula, thereby very easy to control. Our Feds could give Mexico an offer it can’t refuse. Accept a substantial amount of money, or the U.S. will take it by force. Since the Cartels control about thirty-five percent of Mexico, it should be easy to reach an agreement. The U.S. makes the offer, and the Cartels will demand the Mexican government accept it so they can receive their cut.

The good part of Baja is that it abuts California, so bus transportation costs will be less than flights to another continent. As a peninsula, there is only one escape route: through the area where California and Arizona meet. The territory is beautiful, Spanish is the predominant language, and its people are delightful.

Option 1 is the perfect enforceable “Remain in Mexico” policy.

Option 2 is the consolidation of all illegals in the Sanctuary States.

There are 9 Sanctuary states (CA, CO, CT, MA, NJ, NY, OR, RI, VT) plus DC. These advanced, Progressive enclaves of brilliance adopted “Sanctuary” status for a reason—they want more and more illegals. Our federal government should accommodate them by mandating that all newcomers reside in those states while waiting for their asylum claims to be heard.

Such a mandate would dramatically help these Sanctuary states by adding to their population for the 2030 Census. More people would directly result in a greater share of federal dollars for each of the states and more representation in Congress.

Option 3: make all NGOs and charities “Walk the Talk” and adopt.

Currently, the federal government gives grants to hundreds, perhaps thousands, of non-governmental organizations, charities, and church organizations (“collectively NGOs”) to make sure the illegal immigrants have all the worldly benefits needed for a reasonably comfortable living. These NGOs are the true believers in the cause. It is time, however, that they “Walk their Talk.” As a condition of employment, every individual working for an NGO should house and feed, at their expense, one illegal immigrant. This hospitality alone will take care of hundreds of thousands of illegals until their asylum hearing. It will also demonstrate the charity of the American people.

Option 4 is additional public housing for the Sanctuary states.

The Sanctuary states will need additional housing for its many “newcomers.” Again, it is fortunate there is an easy solution. Most federal office buildings are underutilized since a majority of federal workers no longer work in the offices. This office space could be used to house newcomers. The Government Accountability Office (GAO) in July 2023 highlighted the “underutilization” of federal office space. The GAO “surveyed two dozen federal agencies and found they averaged a roughly 80% vacancy rate during the study period earlier this year. Not a single agency topped 50% use.”

The Congressional Research Service reported, “In FY2010—the most recent data available—the government held 77,700 buildings it identified as either not utilized or underutilized and spent $1.67 billion dollars operating and maintaining them.” There is no need for the feds to convert them. Just open them up and give the newcomers “squatter rights.” This option alone could house millions of newcomers.  This option will open up millions of spaces for newcomers to live while awaiting trial.

Option 5, solving the crime issue, is as easy as making NYC a penal colony.

No matter where one puts the newcomers, the crime issue must be addressed for the common man, woman, trans, or whatever identity is assumed. Fortunately, that is the easiest of all problems to solve. Turn Manhattan, yes New York City, into the nation’s penal colony. It can be very secure. Manhattan is an island, so keeping criminals within a designated area is easy. Entry and exit are only by bridge, tunnel or boat, all easy to guard.  Moreover, the state of New York aggressively invites all criminals to NYC by openly establishing a policy of allowing crime without punishment.

Within New York’s crime culture, there would be no need for jails or police. Criminals could run wild. Think of Manhattan as a real-life Lord of the Flies experiment, except that it would involve real criminals attempting to govern themselves. The experiment could also include social scientists who would study and stream the breakdown of society in real time. That’s Noble Prize material.

If these proposals are adopted, the federal government would have all the time needed to vet the newcomers and schedule their asylum hearings. Problem solved!


William L. Kovacs, author of Devolution of Power: Rolling Back the Federal State to Preserve the Republic. His previous book, Reform the Kakistocracy, received the 2021 Independent Press Award for Political/Social Change. He served as senior vice president for the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and chief counsel to a congressional committee. He can be contacted at [email protected]